The people cannot be blamed for a system which has exploited them for almost a thousand years. England is a great country with a great culture and traditions but unfortunately the system is pretty screwed up, if you can call it a system. My view is that the country never managed to throw away the yoke of Norman occupation, which installed an imported aristocracy from France to subdue the English with their mighty castles and cathedrals… in some ways, England is still a mediaeval state, which DOES have its charms but it mostly benefits the very few. 

BREXIT

A bizarre act of self mutilation stemming from deep neuroses of the Tory party that was sold to the hopeless populace as ticket to paradise on Earth, where British fish would be happier than they were in the EU by sticking a big lie on a red bus and putting a tawdry charade up and down the country claiming we can have all this extra money. Genius. 

COUNTRY

A piece of land that belongs mostly to the very few people, accidentally born to inherit it without any personal merit or achievement. The populace is relentlessly told that the country is theirs, when, in fact, it isn't. Countries can have different systems and degrees of delusion that keeps them going. Delusions are often replaced with other delusions if the conditions are right for the populace to be stirred enough to embrace it. 

FLAG

A piece of dyed cloth, usually made in China, that stirs the groin of the populace that identifies with it because their 'leaders' tell them their piece of cloth is more important than other pieces of cloth.  The human race is capable of committing unspeakable acts of violence and destruction under a piece of dyed cloth. Some humans even have duvet covers in the fashion of their national flag, where they may occasionally wet themselves. Aliens surveying the Earth cannot understand this strange obsession of humans. 

ENGLAND 

Largest country on the British Isles, comprised of small and large counties, which are unequal in wealth and different in traditions and accents. From a humble start of a patchwork of mediaeval fiefdoms of AngloSaxon Tribes who MIGRATED to Britain in great numbers after the Romans pulled out, it has been a prominent player in European and then global history. Since the successful reign of King Alfred the Great it steadily advanced to become a global colonial power through sponsored piracy, slave trade and drug dealing. It is a very civilised and a beautiful country that often looks like a film set. It is very innovative and free thinking but the people should know their place. It gave the world wool, Shakespeare, industrial revolution, railways, television, Penicillin, musicals and Monty Python. The sense of humour is superb and unique because people will do anything to avoid talking about feelings. It recently voted Brexit because a failed businessman with a foreign name said there were too many foreigners around and that there would be a Turkish invasion. Neither was true but hey ho. 

Morally and legally, England belongs to Wales but that's another story. The Welsh speaking Britons lived on these isles from Carmarthenshire to Great Yarmouth and from Brighton to Northumberland but then a feisty sort of people with messy hair came over from the east and pushed the Britons to the corner where they are now. 

EUROPE

The western part of the Eurasian land mass, traditionally inhabited by paler people than other parts of the world. It has more history than sense, which is traditionally deeply rooted in the belief that pale skin is superior to other tones of skin. It has a very rich history of empires, wars, pillages, pogroms, massacres and a holocaust. It caused two world wars because inter-married and related royal families with genetic defects wanted to play empire games (though by this time, the damned bourgeoisie had been invented, with its own neuroses, aspirations and obsessions). 

Otherwise it's a great place of beautiful architecture, art, literature, philosophy, science, etc. The populace is sometimes referred to as Europeans but they are often subdivided in smaller countries, each with its own piece of dyed cloth fluttering at its border to make a point to the country it borders with. The other one usually does the same. It is most likely that Europeans have regulations of how high or large the cloth can be. Europe loves regulation. UK doesn't. There is a problem. (We can now have very large piece of cloth fluttering on the beaches of Sussex, Kent, Suffolk and East Yorkshire, thank God, na na na na) (Essex was always flying the cloth anyway) 

EU-UK FREE TRADE AGREEMENT 

Signed at last minute and presented to the populace as an oven-ready bag of frozen chips. It appears it wasn't. UK has been trying to renege from it ever since, which would also breach International Law with various degrees of posturing and cloth waving. England has uncle called Sam.  Uncle Sam also likes Ireland. Too much, perhaps. Without Uncle Sam, England is very much alone and probably cold hungry. Posturing has been suspended for the time being while she cooks up another strategy to get more cake without a secure source of flour and eggs. 

PERIOD COSTUME DRAMAS

A strange obsession of the free people of England, which is present her and her Empire through a rosy tinted and wistful lens. Actors wear beautiful clothes and go to lavish balls and dinner parties sticking to a strict code of chivalric behaviour. Servants love their masters. Masters love their servants. They live in separate parts of grand country houses with bells attached to strings that can be rung from one's bed to the quarters below. It is a picture perfect. People usually feel great about their sense of belonging to this world of lavish fantasy of a perfect order of things. Ah those were the times when  Britannia ruled the waves. 

MONEY LAUNDERING 

United Kingdom is an international money laundering centre. Dirty money from abroad comes here and gets laundered through a mafia-like banking system and construction industry. No questions asked. Gis the money, init. 

Britain, that beacon of freedom and all other glorious traits, quite openly accepts more Russian oligarchs than refugees from Afghanistan, Syria and all other regions it contributed to destabilise. If this doesn’t make you proud of that new blue passport, I am not sure what will. This is why we have Brexit - to become a rogue state so that the likes of Jacob Rees-Mogg can stash his millions without EU poking its nose. 

TEA

Is very nice. Countries that don't drink tea are weird. That's it. 

SOAP OPERAS

A nation’s obsession almost as important as tea. They tell stories of pain, deceit, disloyalty, promiscuity, fratricide, incest... and an occasional resurrection from the dead (search Kathy Beale). The populace often imitates this behaviour, thinking that's how life is. It isn't. Eastenders is regularly the most popular show in UK - it is a bizarre depiction of an imaginary square in East London, where everyone lives around an imaginary square and where they’re either related to or they are having sexual relationships with each other. Sometimes they are both related and having sex. The storylines are tawdry, ridiculous and comical but not in a funny way. I am guilty of watching it for almost 15 years. It’s weird… 

POUND STERLING

Official currency in the UK, being printed out of thin air since 2008. It magically appears from a printing press after highly skilled printers press a few buttons following instructions from the Bank of England, which needs to pump fantasy money into a fantasy economy so that the populace can buy stuff. If other countries do this, they get inflation. We don't. It's a mystery... (this mystery is starting to unravel now as we reach 5% of inflation rate; which is very worrying but we shan't talk about that) 

QUANTUTATIVE EASING 

A fancy way for printing money out of thin air. 

CRYSTAL BALL 

Used by experts to predict that everything will be fine by spring. Inflation is temporary. Stop worrying. 

(this page was meant to be funnier than it’s turning out to be. I am sure I will get in trouble. Rightly so) 

HOUSE PRICES  

A national sport of boom and bust, speculation and repossession. A top conversation topic at dinner parties, especially in semi detached owner occupier semis in suburbia. Those younger than 30 yrs old have been priced our and are known as 'generation rent'. A lot of them now ‘choose’ to never leave free accom at mum and dad's.. makes sense. 

CLADDING 

As with a lot of things, this is a uniquely British headache. New buildings of all kinds tend to be wrapped in panels of all kinds in various degrees of cheapness. The government, a strong believer in low or no regulation, supports cowboy capitalism in every way it can (property developers are the largest Tory donors) and lets them build any old shack, which they can sell for a quick buck and run. The quality of new builds in the UK is appalling and mired with problems which duped leaseholders have to deal with every year, spending vast amount of money, thinking they are lucky they are on the 'property ladder', which I would prefer to call slippery staircase. 

This lovely arrangements between the property mafia and the government carried on for decades until Grenfell Tower tragedy. Then, a national spasm  of all logic struck Everything had to be fixed. Quickly. Retrospectively. We were all living in tinder boxes. The schoolboy vampires in government, in typical fashion, introduced new measures to 'fix' the problem but they complicated things in a typically British way by confusing everyone and creating more questions than answers. Initially, leaseholders would have to pay hundreds of thousands of pounds to make the system safe, not developers who had used unsafe materials. It complicated matters further by only committing to help those in buildings higher than 18 meters. Those of us in lower buildings, can get stuffed. Then it changed things again by saying we didn't have reclad out shoddy blocks but it didn't tell the banks to be reasonable about this. As a result, people can't get mortgages because they ask for a EWS1 certificate, which the government says is not needed. Geddit? No, I didn't think so. Things are usually much more complicated than they need to be in the UK... it makes everyone look terribly busy and important, while they try to do their bit of job that doesn’t quite fit with next guy who comes afterwards (and often has ti undo what the first guy did). Digging of the roads is a national sport. Every digs all the time on top of previous digs. This turns the streets into artwork of patches of tarmac of different colours and consistency. Tarmac art is a silver lining in all this so it’s not not all bad. 

FARTOSOPHY

Not a real word but I wish it was. Meaning: seeking knowledge by talking only to people you like and agree with, preferably whilst having free drinks at opening parties of abstract art, the more abstract, the better, desperately trying to understand something that has no meaning. 21st century will be known as a period in which fartosophy flourished. Especially in UK and USA. I fear I may be a fartosopher myself though I am not even near enough to consuming my quota of free drinks in Hackney Wick and the surrounding areas, where these evenings are known to be numerous.  

PARTY

Until the reign of the Swine, its definition was pretty clear. Since the the new traditions were introduced in Westminster, the line and legality of what is a party and what is a work meeting has been blurred. The said Swine thought he could get away with it by making another stupid joke about it then remind the people about the success of vaccine. His little cronies were ordered to repeat the same mantra on national media like parrots, hoping it would just go away like previous deceptions... or so they thought.  It appears the British public have a very clear idea of what a party is. 

ANGLOSOPHY

Also not a word but it should be. It is a view of the world from a narrow, pragmatic, sensible angle, avoiding ideology or strong belief, except, perhaps, the sacred belief in property. It is not necessarily a bad thing as it avoids hard dogma and big fallouts but it can be very soulless. It serves the state well because it rules over a compliant population that doesn’t like making a fuss. Anglosophy is good for business as It avoids major upheavals, revolutions, beheadings,, etc. (like they do in France)..  it is a bit like the English weather - mild, damp, safe, dull, 

INFLATION 

The destroyer of nations. It is steadily increasing but patriotic duty requires you to soldier on and bite the bullet. Higher prices, stagnating wages... what's that? We're tough. We got Brexit init. 

FREEDOM OF SPEECH 

Often used to justify blatant lies, slurs, prejudice and racism. There is nothing right wing press and their readers love more than screaming about the threat to their freedom to talk shit. Lying and fabricating stuff in official capacity should be punishable by law but this is unlikely to ever happen in the UK UK because there is a whole industry depending on putting people down, snooping, blaming, accusing, etc without ever having to produce a single piece of evidence. . It's a very strange phenomenon to outsiders but people in this country consider their right to offend very seriously. More than housing, for example  This whole machinery of ugliness boggles the mind even more because the English are genuinely open minded, polite, quiet and very civil face to face. It is very weird such large numbers read this crap. 

WELFARE STATE 

A big part of the British National Fantasy narrative. In real terms, is anything but. This country believes in business, capitalism, low wages, low pensions, high prices, trade, trade, trade... Brits are fantastic at trading anything and anyone if ther can. Everything's game. They will sell guy their knickers and go barebummed if you give them a good price. Closest country that comes to this mentality is Turkey, in my experience (dead empire syndrome?) uIf you lose your job, you can lose everything and end you on the street within weeks. The help for unemployed is laughable in comparison to most EU countries.  Pensions are a joke. Poverty is widespread. Wealth and health inequalities are similar to a developing country. 

Kosovo, which to most Brits is 'a poor place where there is war' pays higher pensions proportionally to its income. Health and education is free, (sadly, not the medication anymore but the country is still trying to find its feet after the traumatic recent history) 

Most Brits are not aware of any of this, of course, because they simply are not interested in how other countries do things. We believe we are the best  (which is a source of many jokes among the foreigner community and even born Brits). You may ask why are they're still here then, which is a fair question; answer: they're here because of ENGLISH, not ENGLAND. Geddit? They're also here because it IS a great country in so many ways. it is fun, dynamic, creative, quirky, cute, it has pubs, gigs, theatres, festivals... its easier to find jobs in a constantly shapeshifting 'economy' etc. it's cosmopolitan and generally open minded though this is less the case since Brexit.. Napoleon called the English 'a nation of shop keepers' and I can see why..it's kinda cute but it's a very hard life in a country where everyone is trying to rip you off or fleece you... with a smile, of course. Trust is very low but it's very civilised and funny. I love chit-chat with total strangers while waiting in the queue - nowhere else is small-talk an art form as it is here. 

STRAIGHT TALK 

Simple - it does not exist. You have to know what people are not saying rather than what they are saying. It's quite funny but not always. You must never say what you think. Give as little information as possible. Joking is preferred. Thank you. Don't be a bore asking deep questions. 

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE 

Is usually the default position. People in England will do everything to avoid confrontation of any kind. Instead, they will quietly and slowly sabotage your views, actions or intentions. It is an art form practiced for a thousand years. It sometimes works, but sometimes not. Because of this approach to resolving problems, the English have the most unhealthy relationships, probably in the world. It is sad to see a nation in perpetual emotional paralysis. They can’t be blamed… this is the environment they are brought up in and brainwashed to believe as the best possible way to do things in the best possible country of refined ladies and gentlemen as shown on endless period costume dramas. Only through improving education, increasing travel abroad as well as ditching the mental Empire and costume dramas England can perhaps get out of this paralysis and self deceit, We are very far from that point. 

I must also say that Kosovans are just as rubbish at talking about feelings. As in England, politeness (and hospitality) come before truth. Surprisingly, they have started saying 'I LOVE YOU' recently. Perhaps a bit too much. 

TORY PARTY

Known as the Conservative and Unionist Party, it is an institution that exists purely to conserve privileges of the few on the back of the many. It is on the top of the pile and has every reason to conserve this situation.  It is deeply corrupt, morally flawed and destructive. It keeps the people of this country in perpetual darkness through takes of grandeur that have no basis in reality. It relies on the compliant nature of the English, who have been kept in their place since the Norman Conquest. They love war, trade and donations., They claim to be deeply patriotic but many have businesses in tax havens, therefore not paying any taxes in the country they ostensibly love so dearly., It is baffling how anyone would want to associate with them but their oversimplifying and pandering to the basic human instincts may be part of the explanation. An entire encyclopaedia could be written about their nastiness but I won’t bother. Even writing this short paragraph has given me the itches. I completely loathe them. 

LABOUR PARTY

No one really knows that they’re about anymore. Since Tony Blair performed a soul transplant, it has struggled to breathe. The current leader is a prisoner to the so called Red Wall in the north of England and is unable to speak his mind in case he upsets their patriotic groins. La situation is fucked up. C’est ça,

LOYALTY

… is a very difficult concept to grapple in UK. The old anecdote of a British politician saying: ‘we don’t have friends, we have interests’ is pretty damning a statement to describe a nation’s soul and probably a little unfair but there is something about this approach that can explain the British character. That said, I truly believe that most Brits are decent, with a strong belief in fairness but it is the system, stacked up against them, which makes things difficult. 

In a country that invented capitalism and, in some ways, the modern world, self-interest is the default position, unfortunately. Life in the UK is very hard. One has to fight for everything. (Except the very few, who have everything served on a silver spoon). In this kind of atmosphere, loyalty can seem a luxury one can’t afford, even foolish. For a Kosovan/Albanian this can be very difficult to understand. The moral code dictates the roles and relationships with a strong sense of loyalty attached, which cannot be questioned. But, there is a but. Since ‘we’ joined the modern world of unbridled capitalism, I hear all sorts of horror stories of shameless selfishness happening both in Kosovo and Albania. My wistful view of the people of ‘the Besa’ may not be valid anymore. We shall see when I go for a test drive in Tirana - I may come back running. 

GETTING OVER THINGS 

A very cute English euphemism for accepting shit. The English aren’t a revolutionary people. They have known their place since 1066. Dramas we don’t do here… let the French do that.. Knowing your place and carrying on is ingrained in the national psyche regardless of the fact that it makes you deeply unhappy. You just ‘get on with it’: work silly hours, pay credit cards, pay rent, watch Gogglebox. Repeat. 

SATIRE 

As well as the sense of humour, Satire is generally superb in the Disunited Kingdom,. Brits are masters of subtle, often dark wit. I love it… however, there are limits. As a ‘foreigner’ I am not expected to take the piss out of England despite having lived here longer than anywhere else and considering it to be my country as much as Kosovo (well, I feel more foreign there) … On quite a few occasions, my fellow Brits have insinuated that there may be something wrong with me personally that is causing this amount of frustration and bewilderment about a country I am witnessing to be going down the drain. I am expected to stick to saucy jokes and leave England alone. I obviously don’t understand what I am talking about. This can be quite hurtful but as a naturalised Brit, I can just stiff my upper lip and carry on. It’s great to be British. 

JUSTICE SYSTEM 

Is unaffordable. Simple. God help you if you need a lawyer! They charge astronomical fees by the minute.. You will get a bill in 100s of pounds for a couple of emails they wrote, Legal Aid is all but scrapped… the rich don’t have this problem. 

HOMES 

For a country that believes its homes are castles, the quality and size of An average British home is shockingly poor. Even in Kosovo homes are much better. I was shocked how bad they were when I first got here but soon got used to living in substandard homes, Cost of accommodation is also astronomical. A nurse or a teacher usually can’t afford a home of their own, Yet, they teach children they live in a marvellously fantastic island. It doesn’t make sense but c’est ça! 

PRIVATE EYE 

it one if a kind. Pretty much the only satirical investigative publication that hasn’t lost its soul. Truly witty, informative and hilarious. No one takes the piss out of Britain as PE does. I will miss it dearly. It should be added to the national curriculum if we are to save this country from totally becoming an American colony. As well as James O’Brien. 

CHANNEL 4

The only channel worth watching. It has superb journalists whose integrity has so far remained un-tainted. As I write this, the Tories have announced they want to sell it and turn it into a Netflix despite it being financially independent and not receiving public funds from the licence fee, which is reserved for the. BBC. If this happens, it will probably be the last nail in the coffin of decency in this country's journalism and programme making It’s very very upsetting to see this. It confirms my desire to leave more than even Brexit. The Tories have made everything toxic. 

CREATIVITY 

Despite being a society in which everything is stacked up against you if you are not stinking rich, Britain is amazingly creative, open minded and arty. It is a great place to bring new things in as Brits are enormously thirsty for trends, ideas, fads. People are very individualistic and want to stand out.. As far as creativity and and culture generally, UK is a very exciting place to be in. There is literally something for everyone. It is truly diverse and multicultural but this tends to be in the cities, The countryside is stuck in the empire, dog walking and fox hunting (the posh ones)… in some ways rural England acts like a millstone around England’s neck.. they are not bad people.. They simply don’t see things that are different from their pretty little villages, where the pub landlord will usually tell them how things are ;)) 

As said on other occasions, cultural life in UK is fantastic if you are interested in culture… it’s a real shame that most of young creatives will be loaded with debt and frustration due to the enormous amount of debt they need to get into to go to university. It infuriates me that this state of affairs is simply accepted as part of life. It shouldn’t be. Wake up England. You need a revolution. 

MIDDLE CLASS 

Sadly, most British people aspire to belong to this most uninspiring, unimaginative, self-aggrandising, insipid bunch of people. I am also most close to this group due to my income and education, pfff. This elevated class loves taking about house prices, the state of the roads and their kitchen islands. They also love lawns, crafts and sour bread. Because of being perpetually bored and boring, I fear they will simply stop wanting to exist this kind of soulless semi life, dragging everything down with them. There is NOTHING interesting about your fucking cheese board or the latest print you bought on eBay, Simply, fuck off. You are killing us. 

THERAPY

Because life is very tough and because taking about feelings, fears, desires, etc. is such a no no, a lot of people pay a therapist to make them feel better. It is more acceptable to speak to a complete stranger about your most inner thoughts than to your friend or family. This is completely perverse, in my view. Of course they will tell you what you wagtail to hear - you are paying for their new swimming pool or their children’s private school fees. 

As a result, it turns people inwards, obsessed with their own ‘happiness’ totally forgetting about those around them. People become unable to make sacrifices or do something that ‘may’ make them unhappy or expose them to risk. I am convinced this approach kills the soul but it calms the head in most cases. 

As a Balkanian, I choose a friend to a therapist. I’d rather buy them 20 beers than pay some bland middle class therapist to tell me bullshit they think I want to hear.

America is partly the reason for this madness because this country looks up to USA like a poodle looks at a master.

WISTFULNESS

Is an essential part of Englishness. No other nation on Earth has such a love affair with its own past as England. To foreigners, this is both amusing and bewildering. The English firmly believe they have civilised the world despite all facts pointing towards the opposite. A very rosy picture of England itself is perpetually painted and reproduced in all formats but without a conscious intention to distort things - it is just the way things are seen and understood. There is no intended nastiness usually... it's a firm of self and its role in the world. C'est la vie. 

I think this is now changing with younger generations but who knows. 

COLONIALISM 

A subject that most people like to put behind and not talk about. It has nothing to do with us. It was done when it was done. Dreadful things happened but we have to put it in the historical context, We weren’t as bad as the French. Move on. 

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