this manual is best suited for immigrants living in the UK although some universal themes of displaced humanity will apply to anyone who had to leave the part of the world which they were accidentally born in

below is an example of an immigrant (albeit quite integrated with the indigenous population so I may not have the best credentials to be a spokesperson forfellow immigrants, or, shall we say, invaders - a name that became fashionable during the last year of the Tory period of national darkness that lasted 14 years). i am currently working on disintegrating myself but it’s not easy if I keep going to the pub, then listen daily to R4 and watch HIGNFY) current nationality: Englanian - holder of two passoports but legally eligible for two more! crazy! 

without immigration, humanity would probably still be in the cave (which, may have not been such a bad thing. we have a lot to answer for since we became ‘civilised’, you may add)

people have always moved around and always will, regardless of what that priti awful patel says 

After having children, leaving your country is probably the next most important thing you will ever do. It is a little bit like operating a nuclear submarine but all you have is an old manual in a different language. You need luck, resolve and a positive outlook at most ridiculous situations you will find yourself in. You will have fun, you will have pain, you will have rage, happiness, parties, funerals, weddings,… just like in your country but much more complicated and cranked up to unbelievable levels of human creativity and stupidity. It is unlikely you will regret putting yourself through it but it is very likely you will get very bored of it all and head ‘home’, which probably isn’t home anymore. 

Immigrants are complicated but I would not change it for the world. As much as I love my hometown, I am so glad to have been a Londoner too. It is probably the greatest fucking city in the world but I am probably a bit biased. 

more ramblings to follow… . 

identifying with your host country 

… is inevitable albeit to various degrees, depending on your experience, friends relationships.. Personally, II find myself relating to England as home, as some say, 'my' country,  (especially if I am abroad). I would say this is understandable after living here longer than anywhere else, having mostly English friends, building a ‘career in the public system, etc… in other words making a home here. so it wasn’t surprising I was ridiculously defensive of England when I lived in France if anyone said anything I considered prejudicial, an untrue portrayal of the country.  I will even defend Brexiteers if a ‘foreigner’ jumps into conclusions or expresses strong opinions about UK without making an effort to understand the reasons behind this monumental act of self-mutilation. I found myself standing on guard of England as a drunk Boadicea during my last trip to Berlin. I kept thinking they were talking to me as if I lived in a circus.. I know that a lot of immigrants don't feel like me for all kinds of reasons - some never planned to stay long but life events dictated otherwise, some never had opportunity to make British friends because they were always working and socialising with members of their own community, some experienced racism, some just never managed to 'get' what is going on here, feeling always out of place and even embarrassed in some cases. There are also those who never wished to be part of anything British, there are also those who totally hate Britain and British culture... if you ask them, they will usually give you elaborate reasoning as to why they feel like that but, in my opinion, it is a sign of prejudice based on second hand information and propaganda. Immigrants can be just as prejudiced! Let's not pretend otherwise. For me, it is totally mad how someone can live ih London for decades but never go to a pub, a gig, theatre, a festival, etc but I see this more as a sad case of missed opportunities to broaden one's mind and experiences rather than become prejudiced and cioseminded myself! 

Immigrants are truly weird and wonderful. 

disadvantage 

Regardless of what you know or you think you know, you will always be disadvantaged against the locals in most situations. Putting all the blame on the locals is also somewhat unfair. You are in ‘their’ country so it is only fair to adjust to the habits of the land. You can’t expect an entire country to shape-shift to your understanding of the universe. This is especially the case in England, which has a very unique history and culture that manifests itself in its unique island ways in every aspect of life. 

Expect to go back at least ten years professionally, as you enter the wonderful world of work, tears and sweat. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing as you will meet younger locals who are more open minded and not set in their local ways too much (yet). 

You will end up learning most mundane things again, such as opening a door or washing your hands from separate taps for cold and hot water. You will find yourself having bizarre conversations, whereby you have to explain that you grew up in a house with two washing machines and discussing how every house in ‘your’ country has double glazing (to the locals’ total shock as they may find it astonishing that immigrants would have such luxuries). I find these conversations hilarious, personally. Bear in mind they are not trying to be nasty - they (or some of them) genuinely believe their county is the best in the world… just like people in your country think they are the best. 

No matter how long you stay in another country, you will have to explain yourself and spell your name… It just is like that. Most of the time people aren’t being nasty; they just don’t ‘get’ you. Beautiful friendship can develop as you explain an accident you had on an escalator as a child growing up in the 70s in Kosovo, Escalators are another thing your new friend doesn’t believe exist in your ‘poor’ country. It can be great fun. It can also be very boring… God knows how many times I’ve explained we used to have free health and education, for example?. 

advantages

They do exist. Mainly because you won't be graded according to the pecking order which the locals use to sift each other (based on class, job, accent, views, etc)  

Casual sex will most likely be easier for you as your ‘exotic’ looks will help pulling the locals.. It’s been known that debates have taken place to establish if Italians or Greeks are white. As if it matters. In any case, You will be in danger of becoming a slag. You’ve been warned. (If you are from the Balkans, the locals will usually refer to you as Eastern European; which is highly irritating but bearable and also funny. We fucking invented Europe. Greece is in the Balkans, geddit? :) 

If you are of the type who doesn’t like to pay train fares, you can always say things like ‘me know nothing’ to the inspector. I don’t advise it. 

You will be excited about things local ignore and take for granted.. like hearing Big aBen for the first time or eating English sausage after a boozy night. 

television

Like in your country, TV is pretty shit. It plays a big role in filling gaps in time when you should be doing something more interesting. Don’t watch TV. You won’t get, anyway, in the first ten years. You will find most things shown as quite alien and bizarre. 

TV, however, plays a crucial role in creating and keeping the story of the ‘narrative’ by constantly showing programs about winning the War, period costume dramas (a peculiar English obsession), programmes about selling and improving houses (again, a strange English obsession), crime, crime crime… it’s simply tragic how much crime and violence they put on TV. I find it all very unpleasant and very damaging. I think all countries are guilty of this. We can’t tell if the TV is imitating life or vice versa. Hollywood may have something to do with this… in 500 years’ time, when they write the history of 20th century,  they will say ‘the short lived American empire contributed to creating an unreal version of reality at the expense of local and regional cultures by fetishising itself through extremely violent shows, weird obsessions and distortion of everything to such an extent that people started behaving like Hollywood villains, psychopaths, bank robbers, sexual predators, etc. . 

TV plays a big tole in maintaining ignorance at the desirable levels so that the populace is not stirred into thinking their life is shit and that they don’t really know much. In UK, for example, I was quite surprised they’d have celebrity questions in quizzes!! In my silly opinion, I thought quizzes were about knowledge, not gossip. That said, University Challenge is superb. BBC4 and Channel 4 can show some pretty decent stuff. 

criticism

You are likely to be told (or implied) go back to your country if you don’t like it here’  if you try to comment on local practices that may be interpreted as criticism even if that wasn’t the intention. Intellectual types are less likely to react in this way but will find a good reason to explain why things are the way they are, expecting you to change your mind and never talk of it again. Because I am a bit of a prick, I especially enjoy dismantling the strongly held views of this group of people because it’s great fun. Yes, prick.  These situations can be  frustrating as you may feel entitled to  comment or articulate your observations after living here  longer than in your ‘own’ country but it is also understandable to a point - it is a little bit like someone commenting on your family, even if they’re right. It is an emotional thing… humans are known to throw out logic when the heart is pricked (with truth). The English are humans too. This is the way if the world is. At least you won't encounter open aggression as in some countries. In any case, you are better off if you are in total admiration of ‘their’ country, which is obviously the best in the world because you have chosen to live here, right? 

arrognance 

Is a word I coined to denote a mix of arrogance and ignorance. As an immigrant, you will see a lot of it. It is both amusing and infuriating. The locals can be very ignorant and arrogant. Not always of course. They probably don’t mean any harm so don’t take it personally. They simply don’t know much about any other place beyond THE island except, perhaps America, which Brits both venerate and deride. The confused relationship and attitude towards Americans is very peculiar but Americans usually don’t have a clue about what is going on.  They are polite enough to appear interested. (This kind of attitude is also displayed towards people from the north, Wales (especially them) and sometimes Scots but the English are generally scared of Scots, who will not hesitate to make their feelings known about England at first opportunity. To put it bluntly, there is more snobbery in the south east of England than there are stars in the Milky Way but this is usually displayed in such a quirky way that it almost becomes cute.. it’s hard to explain.. just smile and nod. 

apologising 

Is more popular than football and cricket put together. It is as important as air. Generally, you will end up saying sorry to a lamppost or some other inanimate object about three times a week. You say sorry to people all the time, often not sure why. 

thank you 

In a country where politeness is far more important than honesty, saying thank you takes the first place in daily activities. As with apologising, most of the time ‘thank you’ means ‘fuck you’. The skill of saying fuck you by saying thank you takes decades to practice and use convincingly.

Albanians and the English are very similar in this respect but Albos are usually too proud to say the actual word so many times.,, they do fuck-you politeness extremely well without having to thank you endlessly. Both my nationalities are weird … I must say.  

rounds of drinks 

In the UK, you never buy a drink just for yourself. Never. Always rounds for all at the table thou I’m big groups it is normal to buy a round for those you are chatting to. This is a nice tradition… as an Albanian, I never found this strange as Albos are also round buyers. French and German people never seem to understand when their round is. 

queues 

…are the most british thing after tea and silly banter. Rules are strict and people get more upset if you jump the queue than if you urdered their mother. I also love queues. 

show v substance